Good morning! I hope all is well in your part of the world. Today I am back to share another excerpt from Linda Berdoll’s upcoming book and this one is quite humorous. I imagine Master Darcy may have found himself in a similar situation in his younger days. Enjoy!
Owing more to the nature of man rather than the existence of a well-frequented alehouse, the village of Kympton had its share of strumpets. The Fox and Hogget’s repute as a rowdy public inn had only grown over the years. In steering clear of that establishment, Geoff Darcy had believed himself free from any repugnant insinuations.Therefore, it was a compleat surprise to be accosted by salacious persons within a stone’s throw of the village green.
With the stench of manure clinging to his garb, young Mister Darcy set about unpeeling Miss Bitsy from his person. This was no easy task (for she had the grip of a barnacle and the suction of a lamprey eel). A more experienced gentleman would have understood (and even Geoff suspected) that he had just encountered the village pump. He would not fall prey to her coarse shenanigans – a task easier said than done. He meant to leave directly.
He struggled mightily to his feet – an effort made all the more difficult through the encumbrance of an erection the size of a newel post. The agitated state of his affairs had not been evident until he stood. The time-honoured manner to conceal such a condition was through the clever placement of a gentleman’s hat. Geoff looked about for his for just such an employment. Unfortunately, (and against all odds), his hat had encircled his erection like a ringer. He had no choice but to nod curtly, detach his hat and make all haste for the stable door.
Once relieved of Bitsy’s grip, Geoff gave her one last fleeting glance. That momentary inattention sent him sprawling. Mortified, he stumbled through the door and immediately called for Blue. (He would have whistled for his horse, but the girl had sucked his tongue dry.) Intent upon making his away, he leapt gingerly upon his horse and hied for home. To the casual observer, his hasty flight might have implied he was affrighted. Geoff saw it only as a purposeful retreat.
Under such implausible circumstances, he was happy to escape the wenches without legal intervention. Granted, a gentleman accusing a maiden of sexual interference was patently ridiculous (particularly whilst said gentleman was burdened with a significant arousal). He had been quite at a loss as how to carry on. He simply had no frame of reference. Never in his wildest imaginings did he suppose a maiden’s affection would be so firmly fixed that he had to kick her away like a humping dog.
Moreover, his body cried out for redemption. Indeed, the incident had left him with every filament of his manhood baying for release. It was nothing short of miraculous that he had managed to contain his passion long enough to take flight. He was but a half minute away from compleat humiliation.
That he extricated himself with aplomb should have been gratifying. It was not. He was torn between indignation and agitation. It took him several moments for his sensibilities to settle. He remained incredulous. Female hands caressing his person without invitation – it was an outrage against his station!
To forgive her, however, he must forgive himself.
Granted, his arousal was inadvertent. He was merely the victim a masculine failing. Initially, Geoff was in such a snit that he toyed again with the notion of lodging assault charges. As it was, it would take a half-dozen brushings to rid his costume of barnyard ordure.
Gradually, his indignation ebbed. In its stead, he felt many small degradations coalesce into abject mortification. Any thought of bringing the authorities into such ribaldry was lost. It would, no doubt, only serve to make him a further figure of fun. He had believed he had borne quite enough ridicule for one day.
Geoff was on Blue and a half mile from the village before resituating his hat. He was happy to find it where it belonged and not being held for ransom by some local louts. Had he left it behind (although a fine beaver hat it was), he would have abandoned the thing rather return to retrieve it. His humiliation was so compleat he meant never to enter the village of Kympton again. It was all Geoff could do to stay at an even pace and not break into a full gallop for Pemberley.
Instinctively, he reined in his horse a bit more. A rider coming fast down the lane would only attract further attention. However, his conservative pace did him no service. For he sensed, rather than saw, Bertie a horse and fast closing the gap between them. The only thing worse than compleat humiliation was having the neighbourhood wit observe. Judging by his pace, Geoff could tell that Bertie would soon overtake him and braced himself for his mockery.
Linda met with the printer and she believes that the paperback and ebook will be ready for release TODAY!!
Visit Linda’s website to check for the new release. Meanwhile, there’s still time to enter our giveaway for Linda’s new book.